pat loughery

That’s how I feel these last weeks with regard to my own thoughts on faith and the church.

See, I know I have pretty unique ideas about what is and what could be. I have made specific decisions about how the church we planted would try to live its faith (with regard to busyness, and programs, and evangelism, and balancing the inward, upward and outward thrusts, for example).
For me our church was an experiment, a hope that things could be more – organic? everyday? real? – that the shape of church could change and be clearer and more beneficial and healthier. That experiment has to great extent failed, or at least come to an end.
But our decision to stop, and the subsequent weeks of prayer and thought, and visiting other churches to see what we’re supposed to be doing next, throws many of these ideas into sharp contrast with what I see that “works” (whatever that means).

My family has visited good churches, exploring, trying to understand what’s next. We’ve gotten to experience what it’s like to go into a new place and simultaneously hope that you aren’t noticed, and also that somebody actually notices you. It’s a weird dynamic.

When we leave, and we talk about what our experience was, it’s hard for me. I see the spirit of Christ alive, and I see an expression of faith and life that is true and good. But I also see much that I wish were different.

And as I feel that, then I have to fight the next response: “but your ideas – your plans – they didn’t work, did they? so how valid do you think they are?”. That fight is simple at times, deep at others. I still trust my Lord; I just wonder sometimes at my own ears. Am I following well? Am I tilting at windmills? Am I fighting wisps that don’t exist? What’s the difference between perseverance and insanity?
And, really, what am I? If not one called to pastor, to tend a community of hope, to partner with God as he shapes souls, then what? In this place I feel empty. I can answer this question rationally, but I cannot answer it in confidence.

Am I to bide my time, recover, replant? Where? Am I to join another community and help to strengthen it, and constantly fight the inner voice that wants to critique? Am I to focus entirely on mission, and see what community grows? Do we stay in town, or do we travel farther from home in order to be part of something that’s more of a fit with where I feel led? And is that fair to my family?
It would be so much easier if I a) knew I was done as a church planter (in which case I’d submit my ideas and join a community in my neighborhood, or b) knew I was to plant another church in a particular form (in which case I could go see other models of church, living within another skin for a time). But I don’t know. If I had a nickel for every time lately I’ve said, “I have no clue what’s next for us”, then I’d have a lot of beer money saved up.
During this season I’ve heard great encouragement from others. I’ve heard from others that I’m an effective teacher, that this is my primary skill set, which resonates well with me. I know that I can create community among those who are outsiders. I know that spiritual formation occurs. I just don’t know what to do next. What’s in scope, what’s out of scope?

What can I trust my voice to say, and what is my voice for?